Living in boxes

I'm not talking about the kind of box I have between my thighs. I'm talking about boxes like gay or straight, femme or female. I'm talking about the kinds of boxes that encase our entire identity. I'm speaking of the boxes that are clearly labeled.

There's something appealing about having a very clearly defined sense of self. Once you're in a clearly labeled box, you can stack nicely with other boxes of the same label, that grants us a sense of belonging. You can be just one of the guys. You can be just one of the boxes.

Of course, all the other boxes are always trying to push their way to the center of the pile. They do this by telling you that you don't belong. It's a given that once you're stacked with the other boxes, you're going to have to defend your right to belong.

If you ever have seen a straight man being called gay by his friends, then you have probably seen a man defending his box. Men are always defending their heterosexual box. They drive big manly trucks, get angry, and push away sensitivity because it seems like it shouldn't fit in the heterosexual male box. It's really quite silly.

And yet, we see gays and lesbians defending their own boxes. A woman may decide to brush off a man because she identifies as a lesbian. Never mind that she may be attracted to this man. Getting in bed with a man wouldn't be a very lesbian thing to do, would it? So she plays it safe. She stays in her box. She doesn't test her boundaries. She'll spend so much time defending her box that she will never crawl outside of it.

This is when I start to hate boxes. I see them as a collection of walls. They don't just limit our current existence; they limit our ability to grow. Can you honestly say that you would like to go the rest of your life without ever growing as a person and redefining who you are? What if ten years ago you had decided never to grow or change again? I imagine your life wouldn't be as fulfilled as it could be.

As I transitioned from male to female, there were so many people both within the transgender community and without telling me how to be myself. I would hear comments on the way I walked. They would suggest how to make it more male or female, whichever label I was identifying with at the time.I had to shrug it all off. At some point I was forced to say to myself that I didn’t transition to be a man or a woman. I didn’t transition to find a more comfortable closet. I transitioned to be me.

Everyone should take time once in a while to just figure out what their boxes are, and abandon them. Tear down their walls. Give yourself more freedom. Being attracted to someone should never threaten your sense of self. If it does, then your sense of self is too clearly defined.

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Assumptions

I never had anal sex.

I can imagine the gasps, the stares, and the bewilderment that such a statement might cause. Most girls could make that same statement and no one would bat an eye-lash. But no, that's not the case for me. I don't get off that easy. I have to think of a reason why I haven't had anal sex. I have to explain myself. They pester me for an explanation because I'm not a normal woman; a transsexual woman.

It's just one of those burdens a transsexual woman has to bear that a non-transsexual woman does not. But the real burden isn't the two minutes it takes to explain myself and my reasons. The real burden of being an out transsexual are the assumptions that naturally come with the word "transsexual".

As an out transsexual, even if I believe myself to be fully accepted as a woman, I am still faced on a regular basis with bogus assumptions made by the people around me. Perhaps they assume that I have a lot of sex. So I find myself having to create excuses and reasons why I have only been penetrated by my husband… knowing full well a biological female would never have to explain such a common thing.

It extends to my husband. He's found himself assuring family members that he is a heterosexual and that his marriage is legal. Even as recently as last week when he was on the Howard Stern show, he had to correct misconceptions about his sexual orientation. The husband of a biological female would never have to defend his sexual orientation.

Sometimes, someone is more informed than the average citizen. Sometimes they have seen Dr. Phil talk about transsexuals or perhaps seen Oprah interview a depressed pre-transition teen. Yet they still have bogus assumptions. When I say I feel good about my body, these slightly more informed inquisitors will regard my assertion with suspicion.

How could a transsexual, who hates her body so much she has to have expensive surgeries, actually be happy? How could she like her body? How could she be mentally stable? How could she like herself? Isn't she supposed to feel depressed? Aren't they supposed to deserve sympathy? Don't they all feel trapped in their bodies?

It can be so tiring to constantly correct people’s assumptions. It can be so frustrating to interact with those who use stereotypes as their roadmap. Yet I believe it is unavoidable.

If I decide not to tell someone I am a transsexual, then they will see me more for what I am. I'm just a woman who is married to a guy. I'm a woman not that much different from any other. Yet they will still have bogus assumptions.

They will assume that I was born female. They will assume I have a period. They will assume that my lack of parenthood is by choice. And they will continue to assume many inaccurate things about me, only I won't have the opportunity to correct those assumptions.

In the end, I can’t avoid facing bogus assumptions such as “All transsexual women have had anal sex.” I can’t avoid the assumption, but at least I can take the time to correct it.


talkingtranny is host of the show, The Talking Tranny

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