Boy, Oh Boy!
Manontheside got me thinking about my dating history, and in the style of his most recent post, I started thinking about what barriers exist that prevent me from finding the so-called One. Seeing as how many of us, it seems, are on this quest to find completion with another person, to find a match that will validate us as successful people, to attain this state that will somehow fill the missing gaps and end the lonely moments singleness brings…I think it’s understandable that we think a great deal about what exactly might be standing in the way of the ideal of partnership.
For me, I think a lot about what I look like, and what I act like – two things that the gay male community, from what I’ve gathered, seems to care about most when looking for dates (manontheside seems to take a less superficial route, an image of gay dating that goes beneath the skin…admirable, but I still stand by the fact that I think most guys are romantically a bit shallow). Looks are certainly what I tend to care about most, at least at first. To start, I’ll take a snapshot of myself, what factors I think shape my chances:
- attractive, boyish look
- moderately short at 5’8” tall
- down the middle mannerisms; not quite femme but not really butch at all
- very shy, mostly around guys
And now to tear it apart:
The shy thing, I think, is the biggest obstacle – shyness lends itself easily to awkwardness, and when you’re trying to meet people it just hands-down means you’ll meet fewer people; potential dates just won’t ever have a chance to be potentials.
But now for the part I think the most about – the look, the boyishness. Boyish guys in the gay market occupy a certain space in the attractive game, I think. They’re not inherently masculine, and so a big portion of the gay market out there with masculinity fetishes (Abercrombie gays, preppy gays, Colt gays, butch-minded gays) typically won’t be into boyish guys. I think there is a window, however, in the Abercrombie/preppy gay market for boyish dudes – but they have to be tall, frat-like in behavior -- also not me.
This, I think, is what I have left. Mikey of Queer as Folk fame – boyish, submissive, geeky, short; not top hot market but still “cute”, with an in-show dating record that truly suggests a dom/sub man/boy thing goin’ on. While my dating history isn’t exactly as NAMBLA as I think Mikey’s (or even Justin’s) characters play from, I can’t help but worry that I’m too much of a sad stereotype. Is it all self-imposed? I don’t entirely think so; as I was coming out, I was rewarded with compliments when I looked boyishly cute (my Fievel Goes West costume was a big hit in college). And so I guess I’ve tried to act the part. But maybe I just worried that I didn’t know any other way to act. Isn’t that sad? TV, tell me who I should be!!
And yet, I’m still surprised from time to time by the reality of a flawed gendered performance – I recall one startling encounter when I was watching Eragon with my date and he was talking about his crush on Edward Speleers. For the first time in my life, I was instantaneously jealous – jealous of an actor my date thought was cute, an actor in one of the worst movies I had ever seen. I already knew that my date had a thing for fair skinned, boyish people…but for some reason Mr. Speleers drove me into a crazed state of anxiety. Yes, he’s toned, something theoretically I could achieve if I worked hard enough (never gonna happen). But he’s a hotter boyish guy. My category was invaded. It seems that even though I sometimes feel limited to a category by my looks, I’m not beneath competing within the category.
