What was I doing in a lesbian social group?

So even though I have a boyfriend and enjoy his company and the company of my close friends here in New York City, I’m still a pretty shy guy and generally welcome the prospect of meeting new people and making new friends. The only problem is – well – I often bear the fairly bitter conception that most people out there (particularly…gay guys) are fairly narrow-minded, and that NYC-folk in particular are of a special brand of bitchy craziness.

Needless to say, I was excited to learn about a Web site called Meetup.com. “Real groups make a difference,” the site boasts. A quick search revealed that this would perhaps be the social networking interface I’ve been looking for – Progressive Gay Men, LGBT Movie Fan Meetup, Lavendar Salon (a gay literature group), and all sorts of other geek-tacular LGBT-oriented groups trailed down my screen.

I scrolled and scrolled through the lists of groups until one caught my eye – a NYC Foodies Group for Women. The pictures of the members looked silly and fun (of the L.A.-ish trendy lesbian variety [picture Jackie Warner but at 24]) – just my kind of scene. They had meetups planned to awesome bars and clubs I’ve been to, wine tastings, dinner and theater outings. Their message board was fun and lively, a little quirky, and heavily LGBTQ-oriented. I didn’t think about clicking “Join” until I read that their mission stated that they were open to “LGBTQ members”, not restricted to women or lesbian women. In true shameless fashion, I clicked and became the first dude to join the group named “Women Heart Food”.

Now I understand that it would probably be a little awkward that a guy was joining a women’s group – I just knew in my heart that if I got to meet them, if they got to meet me and see what I’m really like – they’ll totally welcome me into the group and we would have a lot of fun. After all, I’m a proud lesbian whisperer among gay men.

I did not expect to receive an email from a member questioning my desire to join the club. “What are your expectations for joining a predominantly lesbian group? I don’t know why you would make assumptions that automatically ALL members must be open minded about all LGBTQ issues. What issues are we assumed to be open minded about that you are looking to share?”

Was I being harassed by this woman because she didn’t want any men in this group? Did she gather from my gender and my profile picture that I was perhaps a transman and therefore would be unwelcome in this lesbian circle (an issue I know can be a pretty big deal among some lesbian groups)? I inquired further. “Many of my friends are lesbians,” I replied. “I’m looking to meet more LGBTQ-friendly people, just like your group’s mission states.”

A one line reply: “So, are you saying you are gay, or just a supporter of gays and lesbians?”

There it is. The awkward line I occasionally walk when meeting new people – instead of normally having to figure out if new people are gay-tolerant, I find myself having to prove to this queer-themed group that I’m lesbian-tolerant. Because I’m not flaming enough from my picture to be deemed gay, I must be a threat.

Further, I love how basically this person made me realize that asking to meet “LGBTQ-friendly” people does NOT necessarily imply that these people will be open-minded. A real sign of tolerance there for other people.

Now I entirely understand the argument that certain groups, groups that have historically experienced a great deal of hatred, must be on guard. I entirely understand that. But I thought I had made clear that I was LGBTQ-friendly and looking for more of the same.

So despite the fact that I immaturely vented my feelings on a blog, how did I finally reply to this woman when she asked if I was gay, or “just a supporter”?

“Aha, that's the question you were asking! I'm a gay male, though I salute supporters of gays and lesbians as well. Although I just left the group out of worry that I'm not entirely too welcome.”

Meet that. Thanks.

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Housekeeping, 5.4.08

+ news +
Gays are ignorant...surprise!,
marriage costs $$$,
and Greek lesbos for the week.

Sincerely,
ts

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AskFannie: Torrid Toy Story!

Dear Fannie,

My girl and I have been together for two years and are madly in love. She is very shy about sexuality, I am her first lover, and in her culture talking about sex is taboo. I hoped with time she would get more confident and open up to occaisonnal toy use. I have been tentative about steps in that direction-but I can't even get her inside an adult store. She says she is satisified sexually. I have let it go because everything else is going great. I am writing because I have found myself increasingly watching porn and recalling scenes while we are making love. This is the first time that I feel the need to keep something from her. First, is what I am doing normal? And if you have any advice on how I can help her open up a bit, that would be great.

Thanks.

Lackluster Lesbian Love Life

LLLL (or, L^4 as I prefer),

So, your toy-terrified-tribade is cramping your kink with her refusal to let you stick her with a silicon sex toy. Here is a prime example of how our conceptualization of sexuality is extremely limited. We focus on object choice: do you like boys or girls... or both. Poles or holes, cocks or fish, bussy or pussy. It all comes down to our junk. But there are so many other axes on which sexuality operates. Some people think about sex a lot, some never. Some people like having it with more than one person. Some people like to watch. Some people only have sex with themselves. By limiting ourselves to object choice, we lose out on a much larger and more interesting conversation.


There are two issues here, 1) Your girlfriend is sexually shy doesn't want to use toys, and you do; and 2) Your usage of porn/fantasies outside of the relationship is making you nervous. I think first we have to acknowledge that just because you have a sexual desire, doesn't mean your girlfriend is required to meet that need. However, the flip side of that coin is that if your girlfriend refuses to satisfy that need, I believe she should be willing to let you find a means of fulfilling that need (within reason of course). It should be made clear that while girl-on-girl all organic non-silicon action may satisfy your girlfriend, it doesn't bring you to the same place. Since you mention only occasional toy-play, it doesn't sound like you're being unreasonable, or that she'd have any reason to be jealous of your vibrator. But what it does make clear is that she's being a little selfish when it comes to matching your needs.

However, in your girlfriends defense, you mention that she comes from a very conservative upbringing, which has spilled into your boudoir. We can't all be the sexually experimental dynamos, like you, LLLL. She might very well want to get where you are and rival you as a sex toy goddess, but she probably has some deep-seeded issues she's working out. It's probably a big leap for her just to make it to "deviant sex." So the thought of making sex acts which she might already be getting a scolding for from the Jesus tape running in the back of her head, even MORE deviant might be just too much for her to handle at this point.

You asked if looking at porn while in a sexually unsatisfying relationship is normal? Um... yeah it is. It's normal to look at porn even if your girlfriend is a perfect sexual match for you. Consuming porn isn't somehow a substitute for a partner. Porn is a fantasy, with absurdly hot people doing absurdly hot things with other absurdly hot people. Of course you're going to want to watch! However, the layperson shouldn't expect that hooking up with one's real life partner should be the same as the hyper-hot surreality of porn. Those are just unrealistic expectations (unless, of course, you're a porn star...).

I'd advise first talking about the pleasure differential with your girlfriend. She has to realize that what she is doing isn't meeting all of your needs. And if that's the case, she should be willing to let you indulge in a few sessions with the bunny and a video rental. You might try and let her watch some of the porn you enjoy (although save the riskier stuff for later). Also, a way to get her more comfortable with sex toys in the bedroom is to use them on yourself. There is a big step between watching your girlfriend give you a live sex show, and ramming a dildo into your partner's pussoir. So, not actually handling the sex toys may make it easier for her to digest.

I hope the two of you can resolve your issues! Happy fucking!

++
fiercely,
fannie

send your questions to askfannie@belowthebelt.org

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Askfannie: UnDyked!

Dear Fannie,

I’m a lesbian in my mid-twenties. I’ve been in a relationship with my partner for two years now. We’re what you would call a stereotypical U-Haul Lesbian couple. We fell in love fast, and moved in fast. Recently, my partner has been struggling with her identity, and dropped the bomb last week. She considers herself a trans man and wants to transition to male. I’m a lesbian, and I fell in love with a woman, not a man. I love my partner, but I’m not interested in being straight!

Losing Lesbianism

LL,

So, your lesbian life-mate’s announcement of his trans-identity has rocked your relationship and your own identity. The realization that a partner is trans can greatly alter the dynamics of a relationship. Not only in between invested parties, but also how that relationship is made legible to society at large. Coming out as a lesbian, while often difficult for many people, also grants those new inductees access to a culture, community, and identity previously unavailable. An identity few are ready to give up idly. But this is one of those instances when queers can be astoundingly unqueer.

Gay people have a tendency to be infatuated with the idea that once you go gay, there ain’t no other way. We are so ready to claim sexuality as fluid to entice our hetero counterparts to the way of the fey, but the moment that we lose one of our queer sistahs (I use the word in the most gender-neutral drag queen way possible) to the straight and narrow, we’re right back to claiming a fixed queer identity. As queer people we have to acknowledge, that in the same way that it’s possible for a person to steer queer, it’s equally possible for someone to make straight. Now your situation is a little more complicated, LL because your partner’s sexual orientation isn’t changing, it’s his gender. However… in some ways, you are being asked to expand your own sexual horizons.

I understand that you may feel betrayed by your partner for not disclosing this information when you first entered into a relationship. But it’s important to remember that your partner didn’t do this maliciously to harm you in any way. In fact, this realization has very little to do with you. It certainly effects you, but your partner would have discovered that he is trans one way or the other; with or without you.

So the question boils down to love. It’s not about identities that one previously subscribed to. Do you love your partner? Is your love for you partner greater than the mean looks you may get from your lesbian friends when you bring your new husband to the Estrogen Folk Music Festival. Because if it isn’t, then you may have Uhauled too fast, even for lesbians. You mention in your question that you're "a lesbian. I fell in love with a woman, not a man." Well, this just in, LL. You did fall in love with a man, you just didn't realize it.

A side note: If you’re concerned about your sexual relationship and how that may be effected by your partner’s transition, you may want to try and branch out and experiment with strap-ons and other similar sex toys. That way your sex life can transition as your partner does. Also note that not all trans men get bottom surgery. So it all depends on what your partner feels is necessary, it’s very possible that you may end up in a “heterosexual”-double-vagina relationship.

And don’t worry, even if you and your husband are read as “straight,” a trans man partnered with his lesbian wife is still pretty queer in my book.

++
fiercely,
fannie


send your questions to askfannie@belowthebelt.org

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AskFannie: Baggage Claim

Dear Fannie,

I’m a 25 year old lesbian and I’ve been in a relationship with a coworker of mine for over a year now. The major issue at hand is her ex-girlfriend. What’s even worse is that they’re roommates. They were living together as a couple and then broke up, but never moved out! Now, I fully acknowledge that I have a jealous streak. Maybe I’m paranoid, maybe I’m territorial. But I feel like my girlfriend and her ex spend way too much time together. They have weekend trips together, go shopping, eat out, go to the movies… all things that I would like to do with my girlfriend. Even worse, she’ll frequently ditch me to hang out with her ex, even after we’ve made plans far ahead in time. We’ve broken up a few times over this, but she keeps on sweet talking me back in. I feel like I’m constantly being excluded, and not made a priority. I’m her girlfriend for crying out loud, where’s the love?

Frustrated

Frustrated, it’s pretty clear you have a bad case of excessive baggage. Now, I know this is one of the few times I’ve specifically addressed a lesbian relationship, and I’m really sorry it’s a situation as unfortunate as this. But love it or hate it, lesbians have a bad rep for not only rushing into relationships, but also arriving with Uhauls of emotional baggage. In your case it sounds like your girlfriend never really brought any baggage to you, more that you’ve been brought to her palace of emotional manipulation. (Please note: I no way intend to connote that women exclusively are emotionally manipulative. Men are plenty good at it too).

First off, it’s reasonable and necessary that your girlfriend have friends outside your relationship. It’s completely unreasonable to think that you and you girlfriend can provide for all of each other’s emotional, physical, social, psychological, and sexual needs. That’s what friends (and open relationships [a.k.a. functional relationships]) are for. And it’s commendable that your girlfriend is still good friends with her ex. It shows how she has the potential of being emotionally mature and can adapt emotionally and socially to changing situations. However, while she may not be “cheating” on you with her ex, she’s definitely leaving you in their emotional dust as they speed away into their “platonic” sunset. I hate to break it to you, Frustrated, but it sounds like you’re girlfriend is trying to have her cake, and eat it too.

It’s not paranoid of you to be wary of her relationship with her ex. If they were just friends, I’d tell you to get over yourself. But she has had a previous sexual and romantic relationship with this woman. You are completely within your rights to demand that some boundaries be set. If she’s going to be your main romantic partner, she should make the effort to show you that you’re a priority in that department. If she can’t even muster the energy to put you before her ex-girlfriend, DTMFA (thank you Dan Savage).

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AskFannie: Labelmaker

Dear Fannie,

I am a 23 year old lesbian who occasionally sleeps with men. While the queer world usually understands and accepts this, I find it difficult around my heterosexual friends. They like to label me as "bisexual" or "bicurious" when that is not the case at all. Why does everyone in the free world feel the need to put me under some sort of label?

Queer and Proud

As talkingtranny addressed in her earlier post, labels make us feel safe. They offer us a little bit of space that we can call our own. They help us form connections with people like ourselves. They help us create communities and safe spaces. They allow us to form identities to rally around. Labels do a lot of good things, but there are also downsides to this culture of rigid identities.

When one defines identities it often becomes imperative to define what doest not fit in this identity. This process of de-identification is what leads to a lot of needless squabbling over who deserves entry into the assorted identities out there. I find it interesting that there seems to be an over enthusiastic interest on the part of straight people in the sex lives of queer people. The ever so politically correct terminology of LGBT seems so clinical. It seems quite odd that we feel a need to develop specific labels and completely seperate identities to describe a man-who-sleeps-with-men, and a woman-who-sleeps-with-women, and a man-or-woman-who-sleeps-with-men-or-women, and a woman-who-used-to-be-a-man or a man-who-used-to-be-a-woman… *whew* that’s exhausting! I personally prefer queer to the acronym, which I think speaks to how society requires non-straight sexualities to be categorized, classified, and studied because we’re oh so strange and dangerous. Hide your children!

And in your case Q&P, despite self-identifying as a lesbian, the fact that so much attention has been directed at the few men in your sexual history speaks to a deeper issue. Queer people, for some reason, have to “prove” their sexuality through empirical evidence. We are asked to divulge our entire sexual histories, fantasies, dreams, aspirations, experiences in order to be correctly cataloged into our proper label. But, we don’t seem to have the same kind of interest in straight sexuality. This kind of discourse implies that straight sexuality is somehow ordinary, uniform, and the status quo. Now, I’ve read enough of Savage Love to know that there are PLENTY of kinky straight folk out there. And that’s the thing… sexuality isn’t limited to what gender or sex your partner is. There are so many axes on which sexuality is influenced: age, race, ethnicity, language, body shape, height, personality, socio-economic class, etc.

It’s not enough to think of sexuality as a spectrum, with a b-line from straight to gay. There are an infinite number of variable axes that run through sexuality it offers an infinite selection of sexualities. So, Q&P, I hope that answers your question about why people keep trying to peg you down like a butterfly pinned in a museum display. But I also don’t think you should be afraid of labels. They can be very powerful, invigorating, and empowering. It’s important to embody the mindset that labels of course help define us, but aren’t the be-all end-all. So saying you’re a lesbian that occasionally sleeps with men isn’t so much of an oxymoron anymore.

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Housekeeping, 7.8.07

+ news +
The phobiafighter,
Time talks gay parents,
and the super trannies! for the week.

Sincerely,
ts

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Open Your Eyes Lest You Miss Out On All The Great Programming The CW Might Just One Day Offer.

Hoppity little bunnies have giant fucking eyes. People love bunnies. In great part due to the sheer size of the eyes because as many a tweaked out gay boy on poppers and meth (or not) will be shouting from the rafters, “The bigger the better.” And to similar effect as your trusty strap-on, duck-billed fist, or plugs, one glimpse of the limpid, empty pools of a bunny’s eyes (still attached to the rest of the body, mind you) can fill a willing party right up with warm fuzzy feelings. Hypothetically, a direct correlation can be formed between bunny eye dimensions and our love for them. The larger and more vapid they are, the higher potential for fawning over the fuzzy squishiness of the snuggle bunny.

A human being, on average to their body mass, has proportionally smaller ocular organs than said bunnies. Therefore, it is safe to assume that humans are less fawned upon. As they should be. Because if some humans had larger eyes, perhaps they would see a little more. Or even if they just opened up their eyes and registered a tad bit more, they would be less prone to do stupid shit. For shame.
Down in West Palm Beach, a 17-year-old teenage boy is being accused of attacking a 39-year-old woman. The boy states that the woman got into the car with him and his friend and proceeded to seal the deal with, well, a tight-lipped seal on his manhood. Little did he know that when he removed her bikini he would find a familiar appendage. He says the woman attempted to rape him. On the flipside, the tranny contends that the boy knew full well that she was transgendered yet continued to aggressively paw her and slip in the usual hand-on-the-back-of-the-head trick. Either way, he proceeded to remove her teeth with a lifeguard stand. Latent teenage homophobe vs. potential stat rape tranny in a two-piece. If only they got to the bottom of it sooner.

A lesbian, using the womens’ facilities, was removed from the Caliente Cab Co. Mexican Restaurant in Manhattan. After reports that a man was using the john, a bouncer walked in to pound on the stall door. She offered to show ID but to no avail. The woman is being represented now by the Transgender Legal Defense and Education Fund. She is not transgendered. Dude just looks like a lady. Wait. Lady looks like a dude. Befuddlement aside, this happened right after the pride march. Stifled laughter and long embittered legal battle may now commence.

In other blind-sighted news, July First is the official date for many state laws to take effect. Some of note:

Colorado bans abstinence-only sex education in all schools (except for one district), requiring schools to teach sex education based on scientific research and to include information on contraception. Pray tell, why does one specific district get to put the kibosh on all the sex?

Virginia requires convicted sex offenders to register their e-mail addresses with the state.

Florida starts a one-year pilot program to test randomly for steroid use among high school athletes participating in football, baseball and weightlifting.

And my favorite:

In Mississippi, an abortion provider must perform a sonogram and give a pregnant woman the chance to listen to the heartbeat. Meanwhile, Manhattan Mini Storage has placed a print ad that states: “Your closet space is shrinking as fast as your right to choose.” Running alongside is a picture of a wire coat hanger.

The world is a confusing place. So much to see. So much to take in. So much craziness to get wrapped up in. So, be it an unforgettable spring break surprise, a faint hint of an Adam’s apple, or a fetus cursing you to hell, keep your eyes peeled for the signs. Like the bunny. It will keep you out of trouble. And if not, at least they’ll think you’re cute and lovable. And then eat you anyway.

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On wanting to be a dyke.

Okay, it’s time. The pink elephant in the room needs to be acknowledged.

For too long have we rallied at pro-choice events, for too long have we attended Indigo Girls concerts, trailed the Aimee Mann roadshows, and followed the Ani Difranco dykescapades. We’re the gays who meet a guy and then u-haul after just a few great dates. For too long have we dressed unfashionably, eaten excessive amounts of tofu, and dreamt about a life full of suburbia, station wagons, and kids. It’s time we had a voice.

We are the lesbimans.


It’s a tumultuous existence, I admit. We’re loaded with incongruence: gay men, but drawn to lesbians; we find powerful women riveting; we believe overt, male-embodied masculinity is passée and often revolting. We wish we were dykes.

Why are we lesbimans?

Okay, okay. Mostly because we feel rejected or out of place in the mainstream gay male community. But this rejection isn’t really about not being cool or not being attractive enough. Actually…maybe it is. There’s a sense of security I find with lesbians, and it’s a security I can routinely find. No other group of people makes me feel so comfortable. But that security comes hand-in-hand with the fact that I am here because I am generally uncomfortable among gaggles of gays. I’m not pretty enough, I’m not quick enough, I don’t have a snappy retort or I’m not butch enough, I care about things like politics, family and equality, and I clearly – clearly – can’t dress myself with anything that doesn’t involve a hoodie.

But I can’t just say that I don’t like mainstream gays because I feel rejected by them – I have to come up with something else. I think a big part of it is that gay masculinity, as it stands, is far too anxious, far too restrictive for me to even want to try and deal with. After spending half of my college career coming to terms with my sexuality and my identity, I don’t need to spend the rest of my young life trying to maintain a gender image that in all honesty I find completely ridiculous. I love Jake Gyllenhaal, but Brokeback did more than make gay romance okay. It solidified the nearly unattainable gay ideal that is traditional masculinity and brought us back to the YMCA-singing, butch-fetishizing, self-hating Marys.

So how did this all start? Why are gay men, of all people, obsessed with being butch?

I remember going on a date with someone ten years my senior (he was 33, you do the math), and I tried to gently suggest that I have a lot of lesbian friends. He seemed off-put. “Lesbians?” he asked. I could tell he was trying to figure out if I was joking about being friends with them or not. He finally got that I was serious. “Of course I’m not friends them,” he replied. “I mean, they’re lesbians. They eat pussy.”

A former professor of mine once outright asked me if I hated women because I’m gay. Astounded, I tried to work out the concept in my head. My 33-year-old date filled in the gap I was missing; gay male culture, historically, has been organized around the desire for an environment completely void of vagina. Perhaps, back in the day, this was about creating a community and trying to stay alive. Perhaps it was about passing – being gay, but tricking the world into thinking you’re straight. And maybe even it was about self-censorship – being gay, but not offending anyone with any of that, god forbid, flamboyant behavior.

But times are a’changin’. Nowadays I’ll go to lesbian bars and actually meet guys I really like. There’s a community of us growing, and we don’t need to isolate ourselves by gender in order to find what we’re looking for.

Stay strong.

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Can you smell what this blog is cooking??

Actually, everything’s really coming together.

We’ve had a terrific number of applications for contributors just within the past few days (the plan is to have eight). Ideally we’ll have a mini-calendar available so you can anticipate updates, and the welcome page will serve as a better navigating tool for each writer. Not only that, but I caught a whiff of askfannie's upcoming post, and it’s going to be a doosie!

Here's a preview of columns to come:

• Dating columnist
• Book reviews
• Gender journal from Mexico
• Gender journal from Israel
• Serial fiction

…But can we get back to how incredible Jackie Warner is? Last night I watched my favorite show, Work Out, and swooned over her for a solid hour. I could talk about how I like the show because its characters are diverse and several represent common gender-types in society and Jackie’s presence challenges the gender norms by creating a uniquely reappropriated system of gendered power…but can we instead just talk about how hot this show is?



I want to first note that Jesse and Doug are really cute. Part of why I like them is because together they do a great job of addressing a few gay generational differences. One of my favorite moments was when they "had it out" to talk about their shared drama. Jesse was apologizing for something and I thought Doug (albeit a plastered Doug) was going to cry. Instead he followed with the half-joking "Want to come home with me?...Are you top or bottom?" right-hook and I was a little bit shocked. It almost seems like Doug's comment summarizes how a significant portion of his generation of gay men communicate. In Doug's hayday, romantic relations between guys were almost entirely governed by role.

But mostly, Doug was just being adorable. And I still can't believe he's actually dead. And what I really can't believe is how the reason for his death isn't talked about at all, anywhere. In a [fantastic] interview with Jesse and Brian, they reference that he "had been sick". Just say it. AIDS. It does more harm to not say it.

But the real deal here is the Jackster. Every time she talks to a woman she finds even mildly attractive the flirting just unloads in buckets. The sexual tension between Jackie and other characters on the show is so exhilarating it almost makes up for the fact that (real) lesbian porn does not exist. Jackie should abandon her gym and start a new company called Sky Labia. Zing!

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When a Man Loves a Lesbian

A funny thing happened the other night.

So there’s this girl. She’s a foot shorter than I am, spiky blonde hair, piercing eyes. Tough personality. Tough like Jackie…but in a more deviant way. A totally hot kind of way. She’s definitely the top between the two of us.

The other night I went out with some new friends and she jokingly started flirting with me as she usually does. Poking me, proclaiming that she’d win in a fight between the two of us, rubbing my newly shaved head. Mid-flirting a gay guy leaned over and asked me, “You’re gay, right?” I told him I identified as queer. The girl stopped rubbing my head, stepped back and said:

“Omg, you’re queer?” She laughed. “I KNEW you wanted me to fuck you.”



She pulled over her girlfriend and told her (told everyone, loudly): “Hey, this guy wants me to fuck him! How you feel about that?” Her girlfriend shrugged, and head-rubbing resumed. “Yeah, I’d fuck you!”

I couldn’t stop laughing. Laughing in that haha-you’re-cute-haha-keepdoingthat kind of way. I recently transitioned from gay to queer because I know I’m attracted to women at some level, and mostly because I’m sick of categories lately. But this? A lesbian? A butch little spiky-haired lesbian?

Attraction is so weird. Like many a gay guy I’m into men that have masculine characteristics (often self-loathingly, I admit), but I’ve noticed lately how this attractive kind of masculinity is starting to slowly slide across the grid into other sexes. I’m noticing that FTM trannies are kind of hot, too.

One of my ongoing quests is to learn how to adapt attraction, to change who I find attractive to a more diverse audience of people. Gay guys everywhere are plagued by homogenous schemes of attraction – only white men, only masculine men, only tops. It’s one thing to recognize that attraction is unbalanced, but it’s another to try and change it.

Luckily I’m starting to see results. I guess I can add tough lesbians to the list. Next, please?

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