AskFannie: Communing with Queers!

Dear Fannie,

I go to a notoriously queer friendly university yet I came into the queer scene late in the game. I am out as bisexual and am involved in the queerest classes as you take. I find the scene to be incredibly clicky and hard to glide into. To the queers, I am basically straight, and to the straights, I am queer. How do you smudge into a world where solid identity is so very important, yet an extreme social necessity.

Sincerely,
Not Queer Enough

NQE,

First off, congrats on the coming out! Closets are for clothes, not queers. You’re question resembles one I answered almost a year ago, where Queer & Proud, a lesbian who occasionally slept with men, was getting a lot of negative from her hetero-friends, trying to label her as bisexual. Well it’s clear from your question, NQE that those same hypocritical sentiments can come from homos as well.

The way the Gay Liberation movement from the ‘60s panned out, despite great leaps and bounds in terms of civil rights and all that jazz, is a deeply marked boundary between homos and heteros. Another binary has been constructed so that one’s sexuality is either directed exclusively towards one sex or the other. I hope I don’t have to go into the many flaws in that thought process (i.e. assumptions of only two sexes to be attracted to, assumptions that sexualities are fixed and unchanging, etc.), but while it’s really easy to complain and call out the homo haters and the hating homos, maybe it’s best to remember that homos are humans too, and make the same stupid ass mistakes as their straight mates.

NQE, while I commend you on your entrée into the world of queer-ociousness, you’ve got a lot of learning to do about queers… especially homo folks (as opposed to pansexual, bisexual, omnisexual, etc.). Homos are bitter, quick to judge, and slow to trust. Wanna know why? ‘Cause we have a long history of getting burned by the heteropatriarchy. You name it, we’ve seen it: from electro-shock therapy from our doctors, to exorcisms from our preachers. Granted, after so many years it’s water under the bridge… but it’s pretty turbulent water. So when the queers on campus see your non-exclusively-homo queer self bounding into the fray and wanting the respect and acceptance of the hard-line ‘mos, there’s naturally going to be some skepticism.

You see a social clique of nasty gay Plastics acting as gatekeepers to this bounding fields of queer elysian bliss. But from their point of view, they see some budding homo who’s too afraid to jump in cold-turkey for the friends of Dorothy, and can claim some hetero privilege. They’re skeptical and waiting for you to earn some queer credentials. While that may not be true in your case, you can’t blame them for erring on the side of caution; especially when that caution is informed by years of homo-for-now-hetero-when-it’s-hard case studies. I won’t deny that it’s wrong of them to make you feel excluded just because you don’t play by their rules. But this is something that’s developed out of self-defense and self-preservation.

While I’m not trying to justify any mistreatment you may have had at their hands, I’m trying to put things into perspective. I absolutely support your right to go against the grain, even if it’s the gay grain, and to enjoy your non-gender-specific libido. So if you want to know how to run in the homo crowd while maintaining your truly queered existence, I’d advise being patient and building relationships one by one. If you want the queers to accept you, you’ve got to demonstrate that while you may enjoy a variety of partners, you’re still an ally, an asset, and a friend.


Fiercely,
Fannie

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AskFannie: Tough Love!

Dear Fannie,

My best friend and I have been really tight for a really long time. Like, eight years. But recently he's started to get into some things that aren't good for him. The other day, I was having a party at my home and he was over and brought a few friends. I didn't mind because they were nice, cute, and sociable. So... what the heck. But, then, I found out that my friend had a pack of cocaine on him. And I later discovered the guys he brought over were his suppliers. I'm not sure if he got high at my house, I was furious with him and I haven't been speaking to him. But I'm really concerned. What should I do?

Frightened For Friend,

FFF,

I'm sure you don't need to be told that your friend is entering risky territory. And while I affirm everyone's ability to choose one's own path, it's also important to make sure that one's choices and decisions are not negatively affecting anyone else. The fact that you all have been good friends for so long probably means that you have a hard time thinking badly of your cozy companion as a coke-snorthing comrade. I don't care how uncharacteristic this is of him, or how much you don't want to butt in, but the facts are is that he is snorting up and you've got to set boundaries.

Friendship is a two-way street. Live and let live is a fine idea, but not when it's live and let your friend bring his cocaine-dealing-posse into your home and walk all over you. True, a good friend will always be there, but sometimes the best friend you can have is the one who will tell you to your face that you're being an asshole and give you a good hard slap.

You have every right to be angry. No matter how close y'all are, he does not have the right to bring drug dealers (no matter how nice and cute) into your house without having first explained the situation and asking you. You have a right to safety and he violated that trust.

I'd advise that you continue to support and offer unconditional love. But establishing clear boundaries can be hard. So be prepared to face some anger, there is little else that a druggy hates more than being judged. But be resolute. Tough love is the hardest kind, but often the most beneficiary. Tell him that you forgive him this one time, but if he ever brings drugs or drug suppliers into your home, you're going kick him out.

Also, be ready to face the fact that he might need more help than a good friend. He may need professional help. The good news is that as a friend you can help by getting him the professional assistance that he may need. Yes, it's up to him to partake in whatever program or assistance is offered to him. But it doesn't hurt to offer. But most of all, make sure that he doesn't endanger you, your family, or your other friends. Because when it comes down to it, if he isn't willing to accept your help, then he can't be helped by anyone but himself.

Fiercely,
Fannie

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Falling Out with Fellatio

Dear Fannie,

I've been seeing a guy for about a month now, and things are going great. The conversation's good, he's spontaneous and funny, we always have a great time together, almost everything's perfect....

I'm wondering, though, how I can get him to stop, um, oral bottoming for me. I've never particularly enjoyed being on the receiving end of that, but usually I'll put up with it if a guy likes doing it and it can be hot just being around that energy. But this guy's technique is pretty bad, and I don't see it improving any time soon.

I've mentioned to him a few times that I can take it or leave it in general (the truth), and he's said he only does it because he thinks I like it. I've suggested other, better activities for both of us, but he keeps on going back there and it's cramping my style at this point. Is there a polite way to tell someone that he just sucks at sucking?

Thanks in advance,
Hoosier Hotness

HH,

Oh the perrenial problem of sub-par sucking. I've always thought it funny how gay men imagine themselves masters of fellatio just because they like guys. One would think that having a penis would instill men with greater intuition of how to approach a peer's pecker. Unfortunately, penis as just as diverse as the people they're attached to.

I've read a lot of tutorials on grade A cocksucking, and I've been sorely disappointed. Trying to make blanket rules for pleasuring vastly individual organs is a failed project. True, there are some generalizations that one can make... like most men don't prefer teething the cock, and a decent amount of suction should be applied... but that's pretty much as far as truisms on blowjobs are concerned. For example, if a guy's uncircumcised, many assume that unsheathing the penis is pleasurable. However, often times uncircumcised men's glands are very sensitive and need to remain under the protection of the foreskin. All of this is why honesty is very important in the bedroom, especially when poor technique is in play.

The next time you and your fellating fellow are feeling freaky, try talking him through the sex act. It's important to know your own penis and what actions create the kind of pleasure you want. It's important that you don't feel uncomfortable with speaking up. He wants to give you pleasure, and if he isn't doing it right, then corrections are well received. It's all in the way you spin the advice. Instead of taking the "you stink at this" approach, try the "this is the way I like it" approach. If you convince him that your preferences are individual, then it'll feel less like your lecturing him, and more like your confiding in him. By bringing him into a greater sense of intimacy, you'll solidify your relationship and make him want to try harder.

And if he's just absolutely terrible, just tell him that you don't like getting head. If he really likes licking your lolly, then just set up a barter system where he gets one sex act that he likes and you get one that you like. Everyone's a winner.

Fiercely,
Fannie

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AskFannie: Concerning Condoms!

Dear Fannie,

I’m a 22 year old straight girl and I just started dating one of my best friends (I know… smart move). We’ve been really good friends for a long time, but this whole couple thing is new to me. The other night he was over and we started making out heavily. He wanted to have sex but I didn’t have a condom and neither did he. He thought I was on the pill so he asked if we could do it without it... and we did. I mean, it’s totally safe because he’s been tested and everything, and the next day I immediately got a hold of emergency contraception. My question is should I tell him the whole story? And how do I bridge the topic of condoms?

Sex Among Friends Equals Lingering Y-chromosomes
SAFELY,

You just proved that even informed people make very very stupid mistakes. Profoundly stupid mistakes. First, it isn’t “totally safe,” because unless your new BF hasn’t had any sexual contact in the past 6 months (which doesn’t seem likely from your trigger-happy description) that test means squat; not to mention the plethora of sexually-transmitted infections and viruses floating out there. Moreover emergency contraception is far from the safety net which popular myth would purport. According to the FDA:

“If one hundred women used ECPs correctly in one month, about two women would become pregnant after a single act of intercourse. If no contraception is used about eight women would become pregnant after a single act of intercourse.” [link]

I’ll put it in really simple terms, SAFELY. Emergency Contraception only reduces your risk of pregnancy by 75%. That means of 100 women who would have gotten pregnant, but took emergency contraception, twenty-five of them still would still have become pregnant. While “effective” by pharmaceutical standards; that’s hardly playing it safe.

I get that it can be hard for women to bring up contraception, and that contraception is largely centered around condom-use and therefore, largely in the control of men. But that just means, SAFELY, that you have to play twice as safe and be twice as strong, because it’s your body on the line. It’s only his checkbook.

The next time your ignoramus incubus tries to get into your insides, here’s a few tips for having a good romp in the hay without creating an heir:

1. Do something else! If you find yourself ill-equipped for a risk-averse coital connection, there are plenty of low-risk but highly pleasurable sex acts you can enjoy in the meantime! Suck him off, sit on his face, finger each other, 69, dry hump, use toys… the choices are endless.
2. Blue ball him. Men are dogs, and so… treat him like one. When your BF misbehaves, you gotta train him. A few unfulfilled trips to the orgasmic precipice will get it in his head that if he wants it, he’s got to play by your rules. And if you can’t take the unresolved tension, have Mr. Rabbit ready and waiting when you come home.
3. Keep condoms on hand. There’s no reason not to have condoms accessible and in abundance. There are plenty of organizations whom are more than happy to drown you in contraceptive paraphernalia. Your local Planned Parenthood or Family Planning clinic is bound to have resources. If you feel uncomfortable make a trip out of it, and solicit a few of your friends to join you!
4. Tell him! So many couples have such problems when it comes to boudoir communication. Honesty is prime. Because the more you fake it, the less it’s going to improve. So grow a spine and tell him that playing safely is the only way you gonna play!

Fiercely,
Fannie

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AskFannie: I WANT MORE! or Level up!

Dear Fannie,

I've been dating this guy for the past 2 months or so, but we're not "in a relationship" yet. We've been "dating around," but it's mostly been him seeing other people. I feel like we're really good together and I want to move our relationship to the next level and see each other exclusively. How do I move from his sometime guy to his all-the-time guy?

Wanting More

WM,

I hate to break it to you, WM... but it sounds like there's a disparity in how much each of you is invested in this relationship. You're obviously committed to making this thing between you two grow into a long-term deal. But that kind of commitment is only useful if it goes both ways. It sounds like you're being dragged around like a love-sick puppy. While I'm sure when you're together it's great. But when you're apart, I get the feeling the object of your affection won't object affection from his other beaus.


My advice? It sounds like you're a giver. Which is awesome, the world needs more givers. The problem with givers is that they have a tendency to forget their own needs and are all too willing to shirk their desires/dreams/needs in exchange for their partners/dependents/colleagues/etc. It's a simple game of supply and demand. You're offering up a surplus of love to this guy, and right now, it looks like he has more than enough love coming in than he can handle. If he wants you, make him work for it! I'm not talking about playing games with him, I'm talking about making him come to you for once. He should want to see you as much as you want to see him. If he doesn't... than dump his ass and find someone worth your affections. Plus, some away time will let you get some perspective on the situation.

++
fiercely,
fannie

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AskFannie: Threesome Troubles!

Dear Fannie,

I'm a straight man, mid-twenties and I have an amazing, fantastic, sexy, girlfriend. We've been together for about a year now and she's fulfilled pretty much every fantasy I've ever had. We've even had a few FMF threesomes which were bang-on. Now she's been trying to convince me to do MFM threesomes with her, but I'm just not into dudes. She tells me that if I'm not willing to help her with this fantasy that she should be allowed to have a threesome with two guys who aren't me. I don't like the idea of her being with other guys, but I just can't see myself enjoying a MFM threesome. Help!

Trouble with Threesomes

Dear TWT,

So you have this bangarang girlfriend who is willing to go the distance for your every sexual fantasy, and your suddenly shocked when she asks the same from you... hmmm... It sounds like the benefits streams in this relationship is only flowing in one direction.

Any successful sexual relationship is one that has an egalitarian pleasure ratio. What I mean by this, is that both parties should be receiving equal amounts of pleasure from the sexual relationship. I specify pleasure because it is insufficient simply to dictate partners having sex with each other, because often times one partner may be receiving more or less pleasure from a specific act than the other. Many gay men are caught in a vice of having a partner who really enjoys topping, but at the same point not enjoying the sensation of bottoming. In the same strain, women for centuries have been the brunt of the pleasure differential in heterosexual relationships.

Now, TWT, your girlfriend has offered herself to you wholeheartedly. She's a rock star in bed and indulges in your every fantasy (how extensive or raunchy those are, I have no idea). If she's put out for you in such a generous way, you should be willing to return the favor. Assuming your girlfriend is straight, having a threesome with you and another woman was probably less about her own pleasure and more about pleasing you. Even if your girlfriend isn't straight, giving you the opportunity to get it on with two bodacious babes probably wasn't one she took lightly. So, when approaching the prospect of engaging in a MFM threesome, think more about it being a gift to her... because, frankly, she's already put out for you. Time to pay the piper.

It may help to set up some ground rules with her and find out exactly what she expects from this kind of sexual encounter. Is she the kind of gal who gets off on man-on-man action? If so, then you might try and negotiate how much you and the other guy are going to be interacting. If it's only light touching and encouraging each other while she gets to pleasure herself with two hunks, then I think that may be a little more reasonable. And finally, if you just can't get past those anti-homo sex freak out feelings, then you should let her have her fantasy, because she deserves it.

Obviously, it goes without saying, stay safe and always use safer sex practices. Avoiding spreading the HIV is always the way to go.

++
fiercely,
fannie

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AskFannie VIDEO: I'm... too sexy for my BOYFRIEND!

Hey Readers!

Fannie Fierce here. We, at Below the Belt, are proud to announce a special edition of AskFannie on video! This was the first time I have ever attempted anything like this, so please excuse the amateur nature of the vlog post. I hope y'all enjoy!

*a transcript of the question and post are available after the jump...


Hey Readers,
Fannie Fierce here. In honor of the new year I give you AskFannie's very first video advice column. And without further ado, the question!

Dear Fannie,

I'm a bit of a pickle. I'm a second year in college and in my first monogomous relationship since coming out a year ago. But, I'm an attractive guy and when I go out I tendto get attention -- a little too much attention if you ask me. From time to time... well, if anyone was in my position it's just too hard sometimes with all the temptation. What can a guy do?

Sincerely,
Too Hot to Handle It

Dear Too Hot,

Here's what I hear, blah blah blah I'm gay, blah blah blah monogamous, blah blah blah I'm hot... PITY ME! It's so hard to be beautiful. I have three words for you Too Hot, you're right hand... or in my case, my left! Basically You're a little gay slut with a wandering eye. And there's nothing wrong with that. Gay men have been constructing entire lives on promiscuity for decades. You mention that you're new to your first monogamous relationship and are newly out. While I'm sure you're madly in love with your boyfriend, it sounds like your head up here [gestures to head on shoulders] and your head down there [gestures to groin] are in two different places.

Every gay goes through different phases when he or she... he first come out. There's the slut phase and the pride phase. In the Pride phase you're all idealistic, and "No! I won't be like those other queers and there's only one guy for me," with your white picket fence and 2.5 adopted children from Somalia, or something Brangelina like that. In the slut phase, the whole world is your big gay oyster and you're at a buffet! Pile on the crab legs!

People go through phases in different order. Some have the pride first and then the slut phase, or vice versa. And... it sounds like you're a big gay slut. If you're not in the right place psychologically for a relationship right now, that's fine. You just need to make that clear with your boyfriend. Tell him that you're newly out and you want to play the field a little bit. It's perfectly fine to diversify your stocks, just as long as your stockholder knows what your doing. (That doesn't make any sense, but roll with me)


Be a big ol' gay slut, safely. However long it takes for you to get all that gay promiscuity stuff out of your system. And hey, it might never happen and you just might be a big ol' gay slut... forever. Which would be fabulous!

++
fiercely,
fannie

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AskFannie: Torrid Toy Story!

Dear Fannie,

My girl and I have been together for two years and are madly in love. She is very shy about sexuality, I am her first lover, and in her culture talking about sex is taboo. I hoped with time she would get more confident and open up to occaisonnal toy use. I have been tentative about steps in that direction-but I can't even get her inside an adult store. She says she is satisified sexually. I have let it go because everything else is going great. I am writing because I have found myself increasingly watching porn and recalling scenes while we are making love. This is the first time that I feel the need to keep something from her. First, is what I am doing normal? And if you have any advice on how I can help her open up a bit, that would be great.

Thanks.

Lackluster Lesbian Love Life

LLLL (or, L^4 as I prefer),

So, your toy-terrified-tribade is cramping your kink with her refusal to let you stick her with a silicon sex toy. Here is a prime example of how our conceptualization of sexuality is extremely limited. We focus on object choice: do you like boys or girls... or both. Poles or holes, cocks or fish, bussy or pussy. It all comes down to our junk. But there are so many other axes on which sexuality operates. Some people think about sex a lot, some never. Some people like having it with more than one person. Some people like to watch. Some people only have sex with themselves. By limiting ourselves to object choice, we lose out on a much larger and more interesting conversation.


There are two issues here, 1) Your girlfriend is sexually shy doesn't want to use toys, and you do; and 2) Your usage of porn/fantasies outside of the relationship is making you nervous. I think first we have to acknowledge that just because you have a sexual desire, doesn't mean your girlfriend is required to meet that need. However, the flip side of that coin is that if your girlfriend refuses to satisfy that need, I believe she should be willing to let you find a means of fulfilling that need (within reason of course). It should be made clear that while girl-on-girl all organic non-silicon action may satisfy your girlfriend, it doesn't bring you to the same place. Since you mention only occasional toy-play, it doesn't sound like you're being unreasonable, or that she'd have any reason to be jealous of your vibrator. But what it does make clear is that she's being a little selfish when it comes to matching your needs.

However, in your girlfriends defense, you mention that she comes from a very conservative upbringing, which has spilled into your boudoir. We can't all be the sexually experimental dynamos, like you, LLLL. She might very well want to get where you are and rival you as a sex toy goddess, but she probably has some deep-seeded issues she's working out. It's probably a big leap for her just to make it to "deviant sex." So the thought of making sex acts which she might already be getting a scolding for from the Jesus tape running in the back of her head, even MORE deviant might be just too much for her to handle at this point.

You asked if looking at porn while in a sexually unsatisfying relationship is normal? Um... yeah it is. It's normal to look at porn even if your girlfriend is a perfect sexual match for you. Consuming porn isn't somehow a substitute for a partner. Porn is a fantasy, with absurdly hot people doing absurdly hot things with other absurdly hot people. Of course you're going to want to watch! However, the layperson shouldn't expect that hooking up with one's real life partner should be the same as the hyper-hot surreality of porn. Those are just unrealistic expectations (unless, of course, you're a porn star...).

I'd advise first talking about the pleasure differential with your girlfriend. She has to realize that what she is doing isn't meeting all of your needs. And if that's the case, she should be willing to let you indulge in a few sessions with the bunny and a video rental. You might try and let her watch some of the porn you enjoy (although save the riskier stuff for later). Also, a way to get her more comfortable with sex toys in the bedroom is to use them on yourself. There is a big step between watching your girlfriend give you a live sex show, and ramming a dildo into your partner's pussoir. So, not actually handling the sex toys may make it easier for her to digest.

I hope the two of you can resolve your issues! Happy fucking!

++
fiercely,
fannie

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AskFannie: Cohabitating Complications!

Dear Fannie,

I'm 21 and gay. I've been with my boyfriend for about 7 months and we're just about to get a place together. Now, I'm still in school, and he works full-time and is very well paid. We're in the midst of planning the decorating for our apartment... and he keeps pulling the money card. Because he's buying the furniture, I don't get a say in how the apartment looks. I mean, I'm grateful and all that he's willing to spring for all this nice stuff, but I want a say too! It feels like I'm moving into his place, instead of moving into OUR place. How do I make him respect my voice in decorating our apartment?

Marred by Money

MBM,

I've addressed money issues in the past, and I admit... I might have been a bit anti-catipalist/socialist-utopian, but I'll try and be more helpful and pragmatic this time around. So you're getting a place with your beau, but the boy is blocking the interior designer gem deep within you. While I think it's perfectly normal for two queens to butt heads over chartreuse or periwinkle duvet covers... you're problem may run deeper than bedframes and window treatments.

Moving in with a boyfriend or girlfriend is a big decision, and one that many couples rush into. And while it's possible that you and your boyfriend are ready to move in with each other, 7 months does seem a little hasty to jump into a joint lease agreement, where you're locked into living with someone you've only known for less than a year. I know that 7 months is like a decade in gay years. And while it may seem like a nice idea to see each other all the time, that can get old really fast. I think one of the most integral components to a relationship, especially a new one, is time apart. Being able to have your own space is important, because chances are that there are some things about him that bug you. When you live together, those will be there all the time. Moving in with a partner isn't just about occupying the same space together, it's really about compromising and work together to make a livable living space.

Now, if you're boyfriend is playing the money card where the furniture decisions are considered, it's pretty clear it's not just about money... it's about power. This is a classic case of how money can really fuck over a relationship. It's one thing if one party "doesn't mind" paying for something, like dinners, concert tickets, etc. But when one's economic situation is used to position one partner in a superior place in a power differential, that's a problem. I would recommend that you be firm about the fact that just because you don't have the same amount of liquid assets, doesn't mean he can just ignore your opinions. He may be purchasing the furniture, but you have to live there too.

You might try and agree to budget so much money for decorating. You both should try and contribute proportional amounts to that pool of money being used for furnishings. That way you can both be equally invested in the process of creating a home together. Also, if you don't like a certain design choice he makes, it's insufficient to just disagree with it. Come up with a viable alternative option, otherwise, shut the fuck up and enjoy your sugar daddy.

++
fiercely,
fannie

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AskFannie: Bottoming Blues!

Dear Fannie,

I'm 24, gay, male, white... so the top of the gay pecking order. I've been with my boyfriend for a good 3 months. Like any normal gay couple, we fuck like bunnies, which is great... if only I liked it. My boyfriend is an out and out top, and I'm... I guess a bottom by default in that I don't like to top. The only problem is that I don't like bottoming either. It's not that I dislike bottoming. It's not excessively painful or anything... It just does nothing for me. And it's not just my boyfriend, I've taken it from plenty of guys, and it's the same with all of them. I'm afraid of telling my boyfriend that I don't like him topping me, since we've been having sex for 3 months, and I still haven't told him.

Not a Top, but Not Yet a Bottom


NATBNYAB,

First, Thanks for acknowledging your privileged space in the gay hierarchy! There's nothing better than a self-reflexive question to start the day! So your boyfriend is pitching to his heart's delight, but you're an unenthusiastic receiver (I think I'm mixing my sports metaphors). I think your question is really speaks to how gay sexuality is not only scripted, but constructed with traditional notions of masculinity. Also, kudos on the Britney reference, SO much better than the last person to use that same song as a pseudonym.

Not to beat the gender studies gong again (and I do believe it to be a gong), but the more I see of western gayness, the more I see it playing into patriarchy. This includes the way that we think about sex as exclusively penetrative. I find it strange how in gay male sexuality, your sexual identity isn't only constrained by object choice (i.e. men) but also our coital position (top or bottom). Being a top or bottom in many ways defines us in the same way that being gay defines us. And with those labels come a host of associations. Tops are butch and masculine, and bottoms are femme and fabulous. Obviously, plenty of people resist or refute these stereotypes, but chances are that if one see a flame burning bright, one also assumes that he assumes the position.

There's another lovely category that in some ways attempts to resist that binary, being the versatile. But, even that category presumes the preeminence of anal sex as the pinnacle of the homosex acts. To not be a top, but not like bottoming shatters the schema of gay sex.

The fact of the matter, NATBNYAB, anal sex is far from the end all be all of gay sex. It may be hard to believe, especially if you're ever seen gay porn, or listen to Pat Robertson (I swear, I learned more about gay sex from frantic anti-gay Christians than from anywhere else)... but there's a lot less butt sex that happens than most people would believe. I know many gay male couples who seldom perform anal sex, if at all. Don't let the categorization of certain sex acts as "foreplay" deceive you. Those "foreplay" acts can be far more satisfying than taking it up the chute could ever be.

As for telling your boyfriend that you don't like playing hide the sausage, believe it or not... he may already know. Unfortunately for gay men, it's much more difficult to fake an orgasm, than it is for women. So, unless your boyfriend is a complete idiot, or profoundly selfish (both possibilities), it won't be a complete shocker if you reveal your secret. Basically be clear that if he enjoys fucking you, he should know that you're doing him a favor. You don't gain any pleasure from it, so his pleasure debt to you mounts with each fuck. It's only fair that if he gets to fuck you, you should be able to request a pleasurable service from him as well. And if can't pleasure you at all... well you've got bigger problems.

++
fiercely,
fannie

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AskFannie: Coming Out Conundrums!

Dear Fannie,

I'm a 20 year old gay college student. I came out very recently and have just started telling my closest friends. With the holidays coming up, I'm slotted to go home in a few days. I want to tell my parents over the break, but I'm scared out of my mind. Do you have any tips on how to do this? My parents are pretty middle of the road when it comes to politics. They usually vote republican because of economic reasons, but they're good people and don't discriminate against anyone. Also, I want to be honest about my orientation to new people I meet, but I don't want to be weird or obnoxious about it. Help?

Tip Toeing Out the Closet

Dear TTOTC,

Congratulations on tackling that first hurdle in your journey towards queerness! Coming out to your family may prove to be one of the most challenging experiences in your life, depending of course of the kind of family that you have. The fact that you've chosen to take the opportunity of the holidays to drop the gay bomb on the 'rents makes for a sticky but workable situation. Now I can't tell you specifically how you should reveal your queerness to your parents, as I have very little knowledge about their political, cultural, and religious views on the subject. But I also want to point out that while your parents might be "good people," you should be prepared for a possibly negative reaction. You mention that "they don't discriminate against anyone." And while that may seem like the case... they probably do, because, frankly... everyone discriminates against SOMEONE. And given that you have some reluctance or anxiety over coming out to your parents, it's likely you've already picked up on some homophobia (subtle as it may be) in your parents. But enough about them, here are a few helpful hints with coming out to your family on the holidays.


1. Make your coming out schpleel personal. Nothing's worse than a bulk e-mail to the relatives with "I'M GAY" splashed on the front. Sound familiar, Lance? It's best to talk to small groups at a time, so take Aunt Ethel and Uncle Dan out to coffee, or sit your cousins down for a one on one. It's probably a good idea to avoid the big communal family intervention setting where you have everyone gathered to kill multiple birds with your big gay stone.

2. Choose a location and time where you will have control of the environment. Not that you have to be secretive about anything, but with revelations of this nature, it's best to select a time and place where you won't be interrupted by burning pies or newly arrived relatives. Your family members may have questions for you, so it's only fair to allow for enough time to have those discussions before breaking the conversation and being with the rest of the family. Also, if you're afraid that a particular family member may react badly, even violently. It's best to choose a location that is semi-private... like a corner table in a restaurant or coffee shop where you'll be forced to maintain some composure even if the emotions get out of hand.

3. Be consistent and if you can, tell everyone. One of the most unfair things a newly out person can do to his or her family and friends is to only tell a hodge podge of people. Doing this will force those that you have told to be accomplices in keeping your secret, which just isn't fair to them. It also increases the possibility that the dissemination of that information will be out of your control. If you aren't able to come out to your entire family over the course of the holiday, or if there are certain people you absolutely can not tell, then make it clear to whomever you reveal your queerness to who those individuals are.

4. Have a support group ready and waiting. Whether your coming out goes well or badly, you should have a group of people who are ready and willing to support you emotionally. Tell your supportive friends what you plan to do and have their contact information ready and waiting. Also, it might be a good idea to have a place to crash for a night if things go awry, or just to let emotions cool down.

5. A technique for coming out to new people I meet without blurting out "I'm gay!" to every John and Jane on the street is employing the mention of the ubiquitous ex. If you're having a casual conversation with a new acquaintance, just slip in a tangential reference to an ex-boyfriend/girlfriend. i.e. "Oh yeah, my ex loved that movie. He made me watch it over and OVER!"; "I got a sweater just like this for my ex-girlfriend! Don't worry, you look better in it! *playful wink*"

Well, those are a few tips that I hope you find useful. The internets and its citizens will most likely have gobs and gobs of advice for you, but the most important thing is to be honest. That's all we can really give and expect from people, eh?

++
fiercely,
fannie

send your questions to askfannie@belowthebelt.org

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AskFannie: Open or Closed?

Dear Fannie,

What are your opinions on polyamorous relationships? After a rough relationship that ended over infidelity and trust issues, it became clear that the man I loved could only operate in an open relationship. For my personal comforts, I cannot separate romantic intimacy from sexual activity. What was left was two different relationships posing as one; me with only eyes for him and him with a few people on the side. This felt like torture and thus ended. Can two people with different views on sex and intimacy work it out? Or do we have to draw a line in the sand?

Appreciating Your Insight

AYI,
I’m sorry to hear about your previous burn from a previous relationship plagued with sex view dissonance. I first want to set up some vocabulary basics on which I want to discuss this topic. Polyamory is defined as “the desire, practice, or acceptance of having more than one loving, intimate relationship at a time with the full knowledge and consent of everyone involved,” (thank you wiki). This is different from polygamy, which is one partner (usually male) is married to, or sexual relationships with multiple partners (usually female, at least historically speaking). I’m opposed to polygamy, not only because it is deeply engrained in heterosexual marriage and profound patriarchy, but also because it is hierarchal and the benefits stream seem to flow inward to the prime partner, whilst the spoke relationships get the raw end of the deal.

I don’t like to make blanket statements. Well… maybe I do, but they’re blanket statements with gaping holes in them as to avoid being reductive. But if I were to make a blanket statement regarding non-monogamy I would be for it. And a lot of that opinion is based on the rabid anti-non-monogamy propagated not only by marriage politics, but legitimacy-seeking “LGBT” sell-outs as well. However, as I’ve stated in the past, the only kind of non-monogamy I support is honest and consensual non-monogamy. And I mean actually consensual. What I don’t mean is caving into your boyfriend’s desire to hook up with other guys and leaving you in the dust, as it sounds like you did. Any kind of poly relationship decision should be made conjointly and not as a compromise.

One of the reasons I support polygamy, when it works, is because I think that monogamy sets unrealistic expectations of your partner. Monogamy demands that one person can fulfill all of your sexual, emotional, psychological, and intellectual needs. I have serious doubts as to the viability of that claim. In the end I believe that every successful monogamous couple is, in part, polyamorous. Even if you only are sexually engaged with each other, at some point you realize that there are some needs that you have, whether sexual or personal, that your partner can’t provide.

AYI, I think you’re right that two people with completely different views on sex and intimacy probably won’t work out. However, I think that it may be helpful to understand exactly why your partner is interested in seeking to fulfill his needs outside your relationship. Sometimes those needs don’t involve infidelity. Also, if your boyfriend feels that he needs to have sex with someone else for whatever reason, i.e. he has a fetish that you are unwilling to participate in, then you can encourage him to have you be a voice in that process. If he just has a wandering eye, then I think that you have more of a justification to demand a little more commitment. However, you may want to consider being a part of your boyfriend’s extra-relationship sex. Inviting a third can help your boyfriend satiate his sexual urge for many partners and reinforce your place in his heart and his bed. Remember, just because your partner finds other people attractive doesn’t mean he doesn’t still want you. There’s a reason why he keeps coming back to you.

++
fiercely,
fannie

Send your questions to askfannie@belowthebelt.org

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AskFannie: passive AGGRESSIVE!

Dear Fannie,

I’m a 21 year old straight college guy. My best friend is a 21 year old girl. We had a brief sexual fling early in our friendship, but that was over two years ago. Since then we’ve become really close, but just friends (She had a long-time boyfriend whom she only recently broke up with). About a month ago, she told me that had romantic feelings for me, something that evidently has been going on for a while. I told her that I wasn’t interested in a romantic relationship with her, and after a bit she told me that she was over it and that we were good. The other night, I was at a party with her and one of her housemates. We were all drunk, and I ended up making out with my friend’s housemate. Now, my friend won’t speak to me. Did I do something wrong? She told me that she was over it! What should I do now?

Frustrated with Friendship


FWF,

So your female bff has been nursing a crush on you, and now she’s pissed at you because you started sucking face with her housemate. Were you honestly surprised that making out with someone so close to a friend who just got over a crush on you would be a bad idea? You didn’t think it a bit odd how she was able to magically whisk away her crush, right after you rejected her? While you’re more oblivious than Alicia Silverstone in Clueless, you didn’t do anything “wrong” per se. What happened between you and her housemate is between you and her housemate, and it sounds like none of this was done maliciously. However, you should realize that all humans are a little egotistical, and some have more trouble than others not making everything relate to them.

Your friend obviously has issues with passive aggression. It took her months for her to be honest about her feelings for you, and the cold shoulder treatment is a classic case of non-action. The thing about passive aggressive people, myself included, is that we desperately want direct confrontation. All the hopeful signals or the snide remarks that get put out there are really an invitation to make the first move. Is it a little cowardly? Sure, asking the other person to make the first move, whether its romantically or in a confrontation, is a little unfair. But, that’s just how a lot of people are wired. The best way to deal with someone who is passive aggressive is to confront them directly. Don’t give her any other option other than to deal with the issue. That’s the other thing about passive aggressive people, we like to stew. All that non-action and boiling can be actually pretty emotionally satisfying. Having imaginary fights with someone (where you always win, naturally) without actually having to deal with any of the fallout can be quite tempting.

Call your friend up and tell her you want to meet and talk. In this meeting don’t be aggressive, but be clear, direct and honest. There’s a good chance that she’s played this scenario about 50 times in her head before your actual meeting and has plenty to say. Be patient and let her get everything that she needs off her chest. After that, go ahead and clarify that you didn’t intend on hurting her and still want to be friends. I hope all goes well for you, FWF!

++
fiercely,
fannie

send your questions to askfannie@belowthebelt.org

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AskFannie: ANXIETY ATTACK!!

Dear Fannie,
I've got a girlfriend. All the other girls I've dated have been long distance or some variation of not really girls (one closet MTF who didn't want to be seen as a girl just yet, and one FTM). She's understanding, supportive, cuddly, she listens well, etc.

She just got out of a relationship with this guy who was utterly dependent on her. Both of our previous relationships have come up briefly and as far as I can tell, she's still feeling a bit 'used up' from taking care of someone else so much. The thing that bothers me is that sometimes, I'm a complete and total moron. I get stressed out or depressed to the point where I'm worthless. Treatment helps it happen less often, but I've yet to reach the point where it completely stops happening. She's made it clear that if she didn't want to stick around, she would be long gone. I don't want her to ever have to see it, but if we're going to stick it out through the long run, she'll probably have to. I don't want to her freak out. I'd only be a worthless pile for up to a week, but it's still not something I can say she'd put up with.

So here's my question: How do I let her know that despite my best efforts, it still may happen, without making it seem like I'm a waste of her time? I want her to evaluate whether or not being with me is something she wants to do. -don't wanna lose someone who loves the Weird that is me

(Note: the above question has been edited down… believe it or not. For the full unabridged question, it will be post-scripted)

DWLSWLTWTIM,

Here’s a word of advice. Shut. The. Fuck. Up. I say that in an honest to god, loving and compassionate way. But you have a tendency to talk way too much. You’re acronym has ten words in it – case in point. So what you’re really asking is how do I tell my girlfriend that there are certain times in my life where I need to be alone, and not so horribly offend her that she’ll leave me? Well… the answer is… to just tell her.

So, you’re girlfriend just got out of a relationship with a parasite of a boyfriend who drained the life out of her. And you’re afraid that any resemblance that you may have to that behavior will send your girlfriend into an uncontrollable relapse and flee from your arms forever. Give your girlfriend a little more credit here. It’s pretty clear that she’s a big girl and can handle herself. Treat her like an adult and don’t sugar-coat or cushion your revelation. I’m reminded of the advice I gave to FIST, the more anxiety you treat a confession, the more reason your partner will have to be anxious. So take a chill pill… or four and just be honest.

There’s no shame in needing alone time. In fact, I would recommend it for any couple. If you need a week to deal with your problems, then take a week. She’ll probably be happy that you did. If you’re girlfriend is half as awesome as you say she is, than I’m sure she can survive an entire week without you. If you don’t think that your relationship can survive a week of downtime… you’ve got more problems than your weeklong anxiety attacks.

I would chastise you for the mini-bashing of the “not really girls” in your opening paragraph. But I’m afraid that calling you a transmisogynist might send you into a fit of “uselessness.”

I hope you and your girlfriend work out, DWLSWLTWTIM. And as my good friend Mika says, “Relax, Take it easy.”

++
fiercely,
fannie

send your questions to askfannie@belowthebelt.org

post-script:

The unabridged question is as follows:I've got a girlfriend. This is amazing and wonderful on so many levels. All the other girls i've dated have been long distance or some variation of not really girls (one closet mtf who didn't want to be seen as a girl just yet, and one ftm). She's got all the important things down. She's understanding, supportive, cuddly, she listens well, and she's capable of having an intellegent conversation for hours, or a completely stupid conversation until we both fall out laughing.

She just got out of a relationship with this guy who was utterly dependent on her. Ok, not just, but it was her last relationship, and the end of it happened within a year. Both of our previous relationships have come up briefly, which isn't a bad thing at all, and as far as i can tell, she's still feeling a bit 'used up' from taking care of someone else so much. The thing that bothers me is that sometimes, i'm a complete and total moron. I get stressed out or depressed to the point where i'm worthless. Treatment helps it happen less often, but i've yet to reach the point where it completely stops happening. She's been around when i've been feeling stressed out or depressed, and she is absolutely amazing about it. She's made it clear that if she didn't want to stick around, she would be long gone, and that she's supporting me and loving me because she wants to, not because she somehow feels she has to.

She hasn't yet seen me be useless. Utterly and totally nonfunctional. I don't want her to ever have to see it, but if we're going to stick it out through the long run, she'll probably have to see it at least once. I don't want it to happen and have her freak out. I'd rather let her know it's a possibility beforehand, and have her decide if it's worth it beforehand. Granted, her ex was completely dependent on her for about the entirety of their relationship, and i'd only be a worthless pile for up to a week, but it's still not something i can say she'd put up with. So here's my question: How do i let her know that while i'm doing everything i can to keep it from happening, it's still something that may happen, without making it seem like i'm telling her i'm a waste of her time? I want her to evaluate whether or not being with me is something she wants to do, not feel like i'm saying it because i feel bad about myself that day?

-don't wanna lose someone who loves the Weird that is me

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AskFannie: Apathetic Activists!

Congratulations to FIABGFM of Boston! You've won our AskFannie Halloween Photo Competition! You get a signed picture of ME!

Dear Fannie,

I'm a twenty-something living in Boston. As recently as spring 2007, I was a part of the movement to protect gay marriage in Massachusetts. Now that that battle seems to be won, I'm kind of at a loss as to how to be a queer-friendly activist.

Forced into Apathy by Gay-Friendly Massachusetts

FIABGFM,

Now that gays and lesbians are now allowed to access to exclusive institutions historically held by a hypocritical heterosexual majority in the great state of Massachusetts, you got nothing left to fight for? I think that your question is indicative of another problem with this mainstream "LGBT" push for gay marriage. Something I like to call Post-homonuptial depression, or the Gay Marriage blues. I am going to assume that you do not consider yourself queer, (as indicated by your qualifier: "queer-friendly") and I would make the argument that you are actually more "Gay-Friendly" than "queer friendly," as your pseudonym suggests. Because while marriage is great if you are a monogamous affluent gay or lesbian white couple, it doesn't actually make great strides for everyone in our here & queer community.

Your question, FIABGFM, is actually very timely. On the Bilerico Project, Marti Abernathy recently commented on Mass Equality's internal discussion on possibly disbanding due to having achieved the pan-ultimate success of marriage equality. To equate gay marriage with true social justice for queer people is a gross miscalculation. Not only does it promulgate the hierarchy of (affluent) gays and lesbians over other queer people; but also marginalize trans and gender variant queer people. What Mass Equality and many gay-marriage-focused "LGBT" activists continue to miss is that gay marriage only benefits one section of our community.

Marriage forces families to fit a western model of the distinct nuclear family, with two parents (arguably one parent, as most dual-partnered couples tend to be inegalitarian when it comes to childcare), and uninterrupted rigid and hierarchical kinship systems. It also constrains sexuality by allowing marriage to further regulate sexual contact not only between heterosexuals, but now homosexuals as well. Rather, we should be advocating for family models that have less regulation and allow for different and varying familial configurations. But, you have all heard my oppositions to gay marriage in previous posts. I want to focus on the positive and how FIABGFM can truly be a queer activist.

One thing is for sure, FIABGFM, there is plenty of work still to be done in hurdling the obstacles the queer community continues to face. Most notably, trans rights have been increasingly trounced upon. Currently, to be transsexual, one must also be considered mentally ill (pathologization via Gender Disphoria and Gender Identity Disorder), exposed to discrimination and violence in everyday interactions (trans protections were removed from the proposed ENDA bill and only within the past year have trans people begun to be covered by federal hate crimes legislation), and continued misrepresentation by people from feminist, medical, psychological, and policy camps.

In addition, the HIV/AIDs epidemic continues to be a major concern amongst gay men. In 2006, Men who have sex with men (MSM) comprised almost 50% of new infections. While, this is a notable decrease from the early years of the epidemic, MSM continue to be grossly overrepresented in these numbers. In fact, since 2000, the rate of HIV infection amongst MSM has risen rather than fallen.

So basically, you shouldn’t feel apathetic, FIABGFM… winning marriage rights was a great accomplishment and certainly benefits some members of our community. But even Massachusetts is far from the egalitarian utopia that so many in the Gay mainstream seem to present it as.

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Housekeeping, 10.28.07

+ news +
Did we forget the salary gap between men and women???,
an important survey,
and a Fann-tabulous contest!! for the week.

Sincerely,
ts

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Askfannie: UnDyked!

Dear Fannie,

I’m a lesbian in my mid-twenties. I’ve been in a relationship with my partner for two years now. We’re what you would call a stereotypical U-Haul Lesbian couple. We fell in love fast, and moved in fast. Recently, my partner has been struggling with her identity, and dropped the bomb last week. She considers herself a trans man and wants to transition to male. I’m a lesbian, and I fell in love with a woman, not a man. I love my partner, but I’m not interested in being straight!

Losing Lesbianism

LL,

So, your lesbian life-mate’s announcement of his trans-identity has rocked your relationship and your own identity. The realization that a partner is trans can greatly alter the dynamics of a relationship. Not only in between invested parties, but also how that relationship is made legible to society at large. Coming out as a lesbian, while often difficult for many people, also grants those new inductees access to a culture, community, and identity previously unavailable. An identity few are ready to give up idly. But this is one of those instances when queers can be astoundingly unqueer.

Gay people have a tendency to be infatuated with the idea that once you go gay, there ain’t no other way. We are so ready to claim sexuality as fluid to entice our hetero counterparts to the way of the fey, but the moment that we lose one of our queer sistahs (I use the word in the most gender-neutral drag queen way possible) to the straight and narrow, we’re right back to claiming a fixed queer identity. As queer people we have to acknowledge, that in the same way that it’s possible for a person to steer queer, it’s equally possible for someone to make straight. Now your situation is a little more complicated, LL because your partner’s sexual orientation isn’t changing, it’s his gender. However… in some ways, you are being asked to expand your own sexual horizons.

I understand that you may feel betrayed by your partner for not disclosing this information when you first entered into a relationship. But it’s important to remember that your partner didn’t do this maliciously to harm you in any way. In fact, this realization has very little to do with you. It certainly effects you, but your partner would have discovered that he is trans one way or the other; with or without you.

So the question boils down to love. It’s not about identities that one previously subscribed to. Do you love your partner? Is your love for you partner greater than the mean looks you may get from your lesbian friends when you bring your new husband to the Estrogen Folk Music Festival. Because if it isn’t, then you may have Uhauled too fast, even for lesbians. You mention in your question that you're "a lesbian. I fell in love with a woman, not a man." Well, this just in, LL. You did fall in love with a man, you just didn't realize it.

A side note: If you’re concerned about your sexual relationship and how that may be effected by your partner’s transition, you may want to try and branch out and experiment with strap-ons and other similar sex toys. That way your sex life can transition as your partner does. Also note that not all trans men get bottom surgery. So it all depends on what your partner feels is necessary, it’s very possible that you may end up in a “heterosexual”-double-vagina relationship.

And don’t worry, even if you and your husband are read as “straight,” a trans man partnered with his lesbian wife is still pretty queer in my book.

++
fiercely,
fannie


send your questions to askfannie@belowthebelt.org

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A Fann-tabulous Halloween Contest!

In honor of Halloween and Fannie's fabulousness, Below the Belt is running a contest:

Be the tenth person to submit a question to askfannie@belowthebelt.org for her column, and you receive by mail:

A signed picture of Fannie Fierce herself!!!!

The winner will be announced for Fannie's Halloween post on October 31st. Send your question now!!

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AskFannie: Straight Seduction!

Dear Fannie,

I’m a 23 year old heterosexual man, I have a lot of gay friends and I’m not bothered by it at all. I’m open minded and all, but a lot of my gay friends hit on me. Now I’m not homophobic or anything, but they know I’m straight. So why do they keep pushing the envelope?

Straight but not Narrow

Good for you, SBNN for having gay friends. I’m glad that your gay friends’ collective faggotry doesn’t “bother” you, and you are able to maintain close-but-not-too-close friendships with those of the queer clan. I don’t mean to pick on you, SBNN, I’m sure you are sincere in liking your gay friends as friends, and your feelings of discomfort in constantly being made an object of desire or focus of scopophilic gaze are indeed significant. But the number of times that you qualify yourself as straight leads me to believe there is still a bit of residual homophobia somewhere in that psyche. Judging by the fact that you read my column suggests that you at least are comfortable enough with issues of queerness that you aren’t actively repulsed by queerness. Obviously, it’s not a malicious kind of homophobia that leads people to act violently, but I’m willing to bet that while you may enjoy the company of fabulous men, you’re a little afraid of being fabulous yourself.

To answer your question on why your friends continue to hit on you, despite the fact that they know you’re straight: there are a few assumptions that we have to re-examine. They may not know you’re straight. Yes, you may have a girlfriend, or female dating/sex partners. Yes, you may do “straight” butch things. You may have mentioned previous heterosexual relationships to secure your identity and readability as a heterosexual man. However, gay men have a terrible tendency to believe that everyone is a little bit queer. Also, the same way in which straight guys will push their buddies’ buttons by calling them by a deprecating nickname or likening them to female genitalia; your gay friends may hit on you just to watch you squirm. I don’t know your friends, but it’s entirely possible that it’s all in good fun. It may be a good idea to notice how your gay friends interact with each other. Often times, affected sexual interest and hyperbolic come-ons are normal interaction between groups of friends.

Even if your friends are sincerely interested in bedding you, and make that fact painfully evident to you by giving you the eye or slipping in a sexual pun, here and there, maybe you shouldn’t feel all uncomfortable that your masculinity is being challenged. Be glad that you have warranted attention from the most discerning and critical judges of male beauty: gay men. Straight guys need to learn that getting cat calls from a queen isn’t a threat, it’s a compliment. You know you’re hot, when the gaggle of gays thinks you’re hot.

I’d also like to mention that those feelings of discomfort by being made a sexual object, is what women have to go through on a daily level. Women are made to be subjected to the scopophilic gaze of men (both gay and straight). Getting a piece of your own medicine can prove to be a liberating and educational experience, and I encourage you to learn from it!

++
fiercely,
fannie

send your questions to askfannie@belowthebelt.org

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AskFannie: Raincoats in the Shower!