There are Approximately Three Fundamental and Dynamic Brain Functions But I Am Fixated on the Sex Part.

Fishing is fun. You get out on the water. The earlier the better: cooler and calmer waters, more opportunities to reel them in, and at 5am you’re too zoned out to really care about what you look like or where you are. You bait the hook and fling it out into the water and gently bob it until some unsuspecting fish grabs hold. If you’re lucky, you wrestle the fish a bit and it’s caught. Then you are given the option of keeping it or tossing it back in the water where it came from. There are many deciding factors, but you usually judge it first by looks. Finally, if you decide to keep the sucker, you take it back with you, strip down the protective scales, gut it, eat it, and pick your teeth with its bones when the carnage ceases.

With the recent onslaught of posts regarding online dating, online hooking, online swinging, and online sinking, (Made the fishing connection yet? If not, please leave.) it was a troublesome task attempting to steer away from the subject that has plagued our minds like Ebola in monkeys, eating away at internal organs and shutting down all bodily functions. Why do you haunt me so? Therefore, when in doubt, I’m just going to embrace it and roll with it and hopefully it won’t blow up in our faces. (Or do we secretly want it to?)

After exercising some expert sleuthing skills I came upon a list of online dating Don’ts for women. (Fine, I opened up a web browser and it was sitting conveniently on my homepage but James Bond still ain’t got nothing on me.) 14 Fatal Online Dating Errors That Women Make. At the end of the not-so-inspiring guidelines, the article gave me a link to Fatal Online Dating Errors for Men. Ten. Men make ten big fuckups while the women make fourteen? Things are looking awry…Getting a closer gander at the lists, it’s blatantly clear how engendered the lists by “writer” David Wygant really are. Yes, I realize that I’m a doofus because why separate lists by sex when you don’t have to? Obviously this engendering was at play from the very beginning. Am I irked by this? Not parthttp://www.blogger.com/img/gl.link.gificularly, but let’s pretend I am and do a little more investigating. Wygant, let’s use your words:

M: Top 10 email turnoffs for women
W: 14 biggest online dating mistakes women make

M: Women are all about connecting with their minds.
W: Read an article in the sports section. All paragraphs are short so men can digest that information in short bursts.

M: Several women have complained to me that men ask them to send pictures of themselves in bikinis or other such things, so that men can see their body. Men, don't do this!
W: Men are as visual as Scooby Doo on steroids.

Fuck it, I can’t keep going, it’s making me ill. It’s funny to me that all the Don’ts for men revolve around being the proactive and the Don’ts for Women are all about the ladies desperately waiting, cloistered to the…well, cloistered sums it up pretty well actually.

As a response to this dickwad getting the opportunity to say stupid shit, here are a few tips on online dating of my own and I’m not going to explain them:

1. Having a photo is good.
2. Go into it like you’re attempting to make a friend, nothing more.
3. Chill the fuck out.
4. When in doubt, turn off the computer.
5. Masturbate often.
6. When looking for action, use a site dedicated to those activities…or call me.

There. Go buck wild. Dating is a game. Stay calm, collected, and just wait for that fish to bite. They will. Fish are stupid.


Oh yeah, and if you find someone special and get hitched and preggers and all that fun shit just realize that this stuff happens away from the computer…and remember, it doesn’t have to be to the grave. In Bavaria.

Take a peek; the lady is pretty fucking awesome.

(...to the full post)

AskFannie: Going OUT & about

Dear Fannie,

I'm a 22 year old gay male and I've never had a serious boyfriend -- I attribute this mostly to the fact that I went to college where dating options for LGBT people were few. But now that I'm in a big city and I'm dating more often, I meet people all the time that have had a number of long term relationships. It's really intimidating. Sometimes I worry that I don't really know HOW to date, because I've never had practice. Pardon my ignorance, but is LTR-oriented dating for LGBT people much different than it is for heteros? If so, do you have any tips for success?

Sincerely,
Looking for love

Hi, LFL,
I’m glad you’ve been able to escape the clutches of an unfriendly college environment for us homos. So you’ve fled the dungeon that is homophobic college life to the big gay urban center, and you’re wondering why you feel untrained in this mysterious art of gay dating. (I say gay dating because I want to speak to your specific situation, because the dating codes, mores, and trends vary wildly between the queer clans.) News Flash: You are untrained in dating. But the good news is that it really isn’t all that mysterious. At least no more mysterious than it is for heteros.

I know this may be hard to believe, considering how homo dating can seem virtually non-existent, and how hetero-dating seems to be everywhere. Well, that’s the thing… there are a heck lot more heteros than homos. How many more? I don’t know, and I don’t care to know. But needless to say, by sheer numbers it’s a lot more common to see, hear about, and know hetero dating couples.

Now, of course there are trends amongst gay men that don’t necessarily appear in hetero couples and vice versa. Gay men are more likely to have numerous sexual/romantic relationships running simultaneously. They are also more likely to have anonymous sex than heteros as a whole. But in these trends are by no means hard and fast rules. There are plenty of heteros, especially those young, hip, urban heteros who have more sex than a crystal queen at a circuit party would dream of. In fact, you might say that those young, hip, urban heteros are living the “gay lifestyle” as the religious right has coined and historically used to demonize gay men for their “wanton promiscuity”… of course, those yuppie heteros get all the fun and none of the nifty discrimination that us queers get to bask in.

So, LFL, the long and short of it is that there are plenty of gay men who are new to the dating scene. Whether it’s from just being in a place that makes gay dating possible, or coming out later in life, your situation is by no means exemplary. And relationships are hard. There’s no easy 5 steps to take that will expedite your experience accrual in gay dating. In my gay infancy, new to the world wide gay web, I bought and read a gay dating advice book called The MANdates: 25 Real Rules for Successful Gay Dating. No offense to the author, but it was a lovely, nicely designed, steaming pile of bullshit. Rife with stereotypes and questionable “guides,” like “How to read your Man from his Diva CD collection.” Someone hold my hair while I borch. The only way to learn how to date gay men… is to date gay men.

Things to watch out for:
• Men, whether by socialization, hormonal influence, or some “natural” trait, tend to be reserved with the communication. In fact, men are legendarily uncommunicative and passive aggressive. When you have two (or more) people in a relationship that regularly fail to communicate will sew heapfuls of relationship trouble. So make sure that communication remains high… even if it means breaking out the therapist.
• Men also tend to have higher sex drives (although women tend to have lower sex drives, they often report more intense and more gratifying sexual experiences than men), so sex will likely be an important part of a gay relationship. Many “mainstream” or “homonormative^TM” gays of the HRC variety will want to de-emphasize and devalue gay men’s sex lives in order to make us more palpable to the hetero majority. But the fact of the matter is that sex is an important part of any relationship, and shouldn’t be scapegoated or devalued because it is in some way oppositional to an antiquated judeo-christian “morality.”

I hope all that was helpful, LFL. And good luck and happy hunting. May the rainbow shine upon your gay, faggy, path.

++
fiercely,
fannie

send your questions to askfannie@gmail.com

(...to the full post)

AskFannie: Housework!

Dear Fannie,

I'm a 25 year-old straight woman. My boyfriend of two years recently moved in with me. Now, he's not the cleanest person in the world, but it isn't bad. However, recently I've found myself pinned down with the majority of the housework. He does some of his own chores, like his clothes and stuff he leaves around. But it irks me because I have a normal 9 to 5 office job where most of his work is sporadic (he's an actor). Although when I get home I'm not doing any additional work than I did while I was living alone, I feel like I'm not valued. And it's not as if my boyfriend doesn't want to help me… but even when he tries to help me, he just isn't very good at cleaning/cooking/etc. Do you have any advice?

Bored with Chores

Bored, you've run into a problem women have been struggling with for centuries: the Chore War.

The question of who does the housework is an integral part of relationships, hetero or otherwise. Housework is still by and far seen as "women's work" and thusly devalued has been one of the greatest schisms that frequent couples. When one partner is burdened with all or the majority of the reproductive labor for the household (not a reference to child-bearing or childcare; I'm referring to the labor required to reproduce and sustain the home), the relationship becomes unequally yoked and oppressive. It's easy to gloss over house work as insignificant, menial chores that shouldn't be a big deal. I mean, they're just a few dishes, right?

Wrong. Housework comprises a huge amount of energy, resources and time; all of which have been historically made invisible by a patriarchal sexual division of labor. Recent studies estimate that, if properly compensated for the work she performs free-of-charge for the betterment of her family, the average full-time housewife would out-earn her husband's annual wages. Now, Bored, you're pegged with being doubly screwed by your lecherous boyfriend. Working full-time AND doing the majority of the housework means you not only have one job, but many (maid, cook, launder, etc.)!

And for those of your queer folk out there, don't think that this issue doesn't also affect you. Many queers believe that patriarchal structures such as this don't apply to queer couples because queer relationships subvert patriarchy by disrupting the heteronormative gender politic. But studies show that while lesbian relationships tend to be more egalitarian, gay male relationships are equally if not more likely to have an unequal sharing of housework.

So here's what you need to do:

Sit your boyfriend down and talk it out. Rules need to be set about what each of you will be contributing to "home care." Make sure you don't let him get away with "manly" tasks like fixing the drain or washing the car. When men actually do housework, they tend to perform tasks that are one-time tasks that don't have deadlines, like mowing the lawn, cleaning the attic, etc. Meanwhile, women tend to do perform tasks that are daily, repetitive and have deadlines, like shopping for groceries, doing the laundry, or cooking. Make sure you break up the household care into truly equal parts. Also, don't get trapped into the "ineptitude vice." This is where men use the easy excuse of not knowing how to perform a task, or purposefully doing it badly. Your boyfriend should be just that – your BOYFRIEND – and not a child. You're not his mother, so stop babying him and treat him like an adult.

If he refuses to grow up and be an adult, Dump The Mother Fucker Already! (also known as DTMFA as popularized by the nationally syndicated advice columnist and my personal hero, Dan Savage).

++
fannie

send your questions to askfannie@gmail.com

(...to the full post)

AskFannie: Sex Work (Part 2)

I'm pleased to announce that AskFannie will be a weekly staple on belowthebelt.org. Check back every Wednesday for more fabulous Fannie fun:
Wednesdays with Fannie, putting the hump in hump day.

Part II: Doing the Deed

This is a continuation of last week's post concerning the wonderful world of commercial sex work. I highly recommended checking out the last post before taking a look at this week's column in case you haven't done so already.

So... you've set up your internet ads, you have a few prospective johns who have e-mailed you about your services. What to do now? The first thing that you should do is decide what criteria you will use for charging your clients. Some sex workers charge per sex act, i.e. X amount of money for a blowjob. Others charge per hour. It all depends on your own experience, and which is most cost effective for you. If you know that you give a killer blowjob and can get the job done in 20 minutes time, it may be advantageous to take that route. However, it is more typical, especially among more professional sex workers, to pay for time rather than service.

When meeting up with a john, whether at your place, his, or another location (sex club, public bathroom, saunas, xxx cinemas, hotels) it is important to have a contingency plan. Make sure you have a group of friends or support group to call as a safety net in case anything goes wrong. Also, make sure that your john knows that you have such a system in place. Try and keep a close friend aware of your location and your schedule in relation to your sex work. Have a system of calling your friend before and after meeting a john. These times should be prearranged so that your friend can know if anything is up. In addition, give your friend a detailed location and contact information of your john, that way, in the event of an emergency, you can be located.

Also, be fully aware that sex work can be a very psychologically taxing occupation. If you are considering doing any sex work you should be prepared. Sex work is best for people who are able to have anonymous sex with a variety of people. And remember that sex work is still work. While it can be highly satisfying and gratifying, it can also REALLY be something you just have to suck up and plow through.

In terms of dealing with clients, johns tend to fall into roughly four categories: easy trade, hard trade, rough trade, and heaven trade.

Easy Trade: These are johns that are your prime clients; the clients you want to maintain for the long run. They are regular, respectful, and easy to please. These men usually aren't in top physical condition, but are reasonably attractive and servicing them isn't particularly difficult. Keep these johns near and dear, because they will be your bread and butter. If you can get a steady line-up of easy trade, you won't need to go trolling around for new clients, which can be difficult and unsafe.

Hard Trade: These johns are usually the ones you service once and will try and avoid in the future. These clients tend to be unattractive, disrespectful of the trade, or generally undesirable as sex partners. This can prove especially difficult if you intend to perform a sex act that requires sexual arousal, like fucking. Hard trade sometimes becomes a necessity if you're running low on easy trade clients. I would advise performing quick easy sex work (i.e. handjob/blowjob). Go in, do the work, and get out. Easy as pie.

Rough Trade: Avoid at all cost. While many sex workers specialize in kink and can be very rewarding and liberating, rough traders tend to take kink to the next level, often without consent or pre-agreement. Physical violence, rough treatment of the sex worker, etc., is emblematic of rough trade. You should be able to weed these clients out, and they also tend to prowl primarily for street sex workers. But avoid at all cost. If you ever feel in danger or compromised, get out and fast.

Heaven Trade: These clients are a sex worker's dream. Think Pretty Woman… these men are beautiful, successful, respectful… someone you would have sex with outside of work. While heaven trade is a sex worker's dream, they can also be your worst nightmare. Namely, it's very common for a sex worker to fall for heaven trade, but you will always be a sex worker to them (unlike in the movie). It's important to really treat these clients as work, and not allow yourself to become emotionally attached.

That's all for now folks! Have a good Wednesday and happy humping!

++
fannie

send your questions to askfannie@gmail.com

(...to the full post)

AskFannie: Sex Work (Part 1)

Dear Fannie,

I'm a young gay guy in Montreal, Quebec. I've always been partial to the sexually liberated, and many of my friends are very open about their sexuality. I have a few friends who have done some sex work in the past and I've been thinking about pursuing some sex work myself. The problem is I don't know where to start! What kind of rules are there in sex work? Is it legal? How much should I charge? Where do I find johns?

Thanks,
Considering in Quebec

Thanks for a such a great question, Considering! Sex work is a touchy subject, especially amongst feminists who tend to fuel adamantly opposing camps of anti- or pro-sex trade sentiments. I am pro-sex work, but there are a lot of problems with how sex work currently works, especially for street sex work. I've decided to address this question with a multi-part How-To Guide to Sex Work intended for all genders. Note: This post does not address the legality of sex work in various parts of the world. Before engaging in sex work, be sure to read up on relevant state and federal laws.

Part I: Learning the Ropes

There are wrong ways and right ways to enter sex work. One thing to avoid at all costs: PIMPS. While the pimping of male sex workers (MSWs) is relatively rare, the majority of female street sex workers (FSWs) work under the supervision of pimps. Popular opinion situates the pimp-sex worker relationship as a mutually beneficial relationship where sex workers offer a cut of their earnings in exchange for the protection and networking skills of pimps. This is not the case for the majority of these relationships. Pimps are entrepreneurs who typically view their sex workers as products to be exploited for an easy stream of revenue with low cost. Further, I strongly recommend against doing street sex work, as street work has high incidences of violence and homicide against sex workers.

The ideal way to approach sex work is where the sex worker is one's own manager (read: sex worker as entrepreneur). Now, Considering in Quebec: being a potential male sex worker you have a certain privilege because self-managed sex work is the norm for MSWs. For all the potential FSWs or Transgender SWs out there, be your own manager! In this age of information and telecommunication, there isn't a need to have a pimp to do your scouting work for you. The best way to do sex work is through wonderful world of the internet. There are several websites which one can post adverts featuring the sexual services one is providing. Craigslist.org and rentboy.com are examples

Always be very clear when negotiating with a client exactly what kind of services he or she expects and what the price for those services will be (please note that the vast majority of clients out there are male). I'll go into negotiations later. In terms of venues, it really depends on the situation. Usually, work is split in between incalls and outcalls. Incalls are when the worker receives the client at the worker's home or apartment. Outcalls involve traveling to a location of the client's desire, usually a hotel or the client's home. Sex workers usually charge more money for outcalls, which may weigh into your decision on what kind of work to do. To give you a general idea of how much to charge, I consulted a good friend of mine who currently is doing sex work with his boyfriend. For outcalls he charges $200 per hour. "Meeting a client usually entails chatting, kissing, massage, oral sex and some hand. Anal if it's pre-agreed on, but I don't usually do anal with clients. I'll only consider it if he's a regular client of mine; and always safe."

Sex work can be a very rewarding occupation, and a great way to give your wallet that extra push. It's very possible to hold a "normal" job and do sex work on the side to augment your income. Stay tuned next week for How-to Guide to Sex Work pt. 2: Doing the Deed.

Send your questions to askfannie@gmail.com.

++
fannie

(...to the full post)

AskFannie: Analingus!

Welcome to the first installment of AskFannie! As toughstuff has already said, I'm your go to girl/boy/sissy/queer for all things sex, love, and everything in between. Just send your questions to askfannie@gmail.com and you may be featured in the column. Make sure you leave a pseudonym if you want to remain anonymous, and any identifications you'd like to pass along to increase accuracy. Without further ado, I give you, AskFannie pt. 1!


Dear Fannie,

I'm a 20-something gay white male. Something weird has been going down in my life: people are confiding in me left and right that they LOVE rimming. And they're all straight guys!

I've never tried it, but I was wondering, is it sanitary? Are there rules or guidelines for it? If I'm topping for anal, will I be expected to perform it? And my big question, is rimming the new oral??

Thanks,
Stumped in Sydney



So, Stumped, you are interested in exploring the wonderful world of rimming? Well you're in for a treat. Rimming, a.k.a. analingus, is increasing in popularity and quickly entering into the common boudoire repetoire. For those of you who don't know, rimming is when one licks on, in, or around the anus of one's partner. The first thing that should be said about rimming is that it holds a low-risk for HIV infection, but normal risk for other STIs like viral hepatitis. Ideally all rimmers should make use of a dental dam, but obviously not everyone will want to use a dental dam. I'm an advocate for safe-sex, but I will be the first to admit that every time that I have received a rimjob, I have not used a dental dam. It's a calculated risk you have to decide if you are willing to take.

When people ask me about rimming, their number one concern is fecal matter. While some people who like to give rimjobs enjoy some of the scat elements of residual fecal matter on the anus, it's not a blanket rule. It's considered polite to wash the region before any tongue-to-ass play, but ask your partner what is preferred. Contrary to popular belief, the anus and rectum have only trace amounts of fecal matter in them, so don't be afraid of accidentally getting a mouthful of choco-fun. If fecal matter is a significant issue for the giving partner, consider using a douche or enema to wash and empty the rectum of fecal matter. Rimming is a great activity for foreplay to insertive anal sex, as it helps lubricate the opening to the rectum and relax the muscles in the region.

My number one tip for any aspiring rimmers is: variation. While a constant lapping at the love chute is all fun and games, it can get a bit boring for the recipient. Try licking the anus, then around the anus, the perineum, etc. The best rimjob I ever received was when my partner licked quickly from my anus to my perineum and back again. The trail of saliva acts as a natural cooling agent when left exposed to the air, which can increase sensitivity to the region.

A word to the wise: try to avoid performing a rimjob and then directly afterward performing fellatio or cunnilingus as the digestive bacteria that may be found in and around the anus can cause urinary tract infections. Washing the area beforehand reduces those risks. So break out the soap!

++
fannie

(...to the full post)